Last Goodbye : Part 3 of Lights and Sounds
by stripedheart
Summary: Did you say, no this can't happen to me? Did you rush to the phone to call? Was there a voice unkind, in the back of your mind, saying maybe...you didn't know him at all? You didn't know him at all. Oh, you didn't know.
1. hey jane

this is the last part of lights and sounds. i kno some of you were getting annoyed (who wouldn't?) but let's just see how it all turns out. thanks for the reviews.

**CHAPTER ONE: hey jane**

winter

Alex leaned back in her chair, gazing out the window of her huge corner office. In the three years she had been working as a band manager she had managed to scramble her way up the corporate ladder and had made it to the top. She was second only to the owner, Bill Regis, and as of late, most of what she did was sign bands to their label, Remix. But what she really loved about the job was making the connection with the band, seeing them live, traveling with them. So, every month or so she picked a certain band and went on a couple spots with them. Spots being the concert, press conferences, sound checks, and everything else that was part if being in a band. She loved it.

She leaned her chair forward and stood up, stretching her arms over her head. Outside, lights flickered on and off everywhere. New York City. Alex loved living there, mainly because it was so different from anywhere else she had lived. The city was alive every second of every day, even now, at three in the morning. She couldn't get enough of it. Alex was startled from her musing when the phone on her desk rang. She picked it up and pressed two."Yes?" she asked, rather professionally if she said so herself.

"Ms. Kelly, call for you on line seven." Alex's secretary told her. Alex frowned. Who would call her this late? Rachel and the rest of her friends would just call her cell and it was too late for any of her clients. But then again, with angry bands rejected from the label, you never knew who would drunk dial her.

"Who is it?" Alex asked. Her secretary paused.

"Let me ask." The phone clicked and Alex sat down in her chair, distracted again by the lights outside, the phone almost forgotten. When she and Rachel had moved to the city, Rachel had quit being Alex's secretary and personal assistant and had instead finished law school. Now, Rachel was an ADA for the city. Alex was so proud of her girfriend. She heard the phone click again. "Ms. Kelly?" Her secretary asked. Alex pulled the phone back up to her ear.

"Yeah?" Alex answered in a question. She propped her feet up on her desk and crossed her ankles, leaning back in her chair.

"She says her name is Marissa Cooper." Alex's feet hit the ground with a thump.

Marissa sat in her pitch black bedroom, her fingers picking at her covers. Cars headlights passed by, trailing a stream of light. Marissa was lost. She was just lost and dazed and confused and so in her mind that she was out of it. She felt like thousands upon thousands of thoughts were swirling through her head, too quickly to catch on to, but not so quickly that she could ignore them. But it also seemed like around all these thoughts was a fuzzy blanket that dulled her senses and made it impossible to think. She stood up slowly and walked to the window, looking out onto the street, trying to get a handle on her emotions.

After a while she walked away again, going wherever her feet took her. She ended up standing at the doorway to her daughter's room. She didn't going inside, merely stood there, looking at her daughter's bed and things. She felt empty. After a while she turned away again and went to the kitchen. It was about 3 in the morning, but she flicked on the kitchen light anyway. She sat down on a bar stool in front of her cell phone. She wanted to talk to someone, but she had no idea who. Not Summer, not Seth, not Anna, not anyone she really knew. She could barely remember her own name. She just couldn't grasp onto her thoughts. Finally, one flew out at her. Alex Kelly. The one person who Marissa would trust with her life, with her soul, but not with her heart. Marissa stared at her phone for a moment, then ever so slowly picked it up and went through her contacts. There, almost at the top of the list was Alex's work number. Marissa didn't believe that Alex would be there, but it gave her something, anything, to do. She pushed call and listened as the phone rang.

"Hello?" Alex asked, her voice much more nervous and frustrated than she had meant.

"Alex?" Marissa asked, her voice soft and questioning. At the sound of Marissa's voice Alex sank back into her chair. Oh god, she had forgotten how much she loved Marissa Cooper. It rushed over her like a wave. She had moved on, blocked her thoughts of the younger girl, but the feelings were still there, as strong as ever. Alex's heart was racing, as well as her mind. She could feel the other girl through the phone, hear her breath, her voice, and Alex didn't ever want to hang up, didn't want to lose Marissa again.

"Marissa." Alex said, not sure what to say.

"Yeah." There was a long pause. Alex went past her old emotions and grew frustrated. She had finally moved on and here was Marissa, trying to ruin her life all over again.

"Can I help you?" Alex asked, her anger creeping into her voice. Marissa paused. Maybe calling Alex hadn't been the best idea, but it was the only one she had had. The only person who seemed like they could help. God, Marissa felt like she was out of her mind.

"I just. . ." Marissa trailed off, struggling to put into words what she was feeling, what she knew.

"Wanted to call you and ruin your life again?" Alex asked angrily. "At 3 in the morning?" Marissa was shocked into silence by the anger evident in Alex's voice. She didn't know what she had expected when she had called Alex, but it hadn't been this. She couldn't deal with this.

"No, I-" Marissa started, but Alex cut her off.

"What, you don't like Ryan anymore and now you want me?" Alex continued. She was pissed. She loved this girl with every inch of herself, and Marissa didn't feel the same way.

"No, Alex-" But Alex cut her off again.

"What do you want Marissa?" Alex put her head in her hand.

"Alex, please listen. I'm trying to tell you." Marissa's voice was strained and rough and made Alex pause. Something was wrong. Something had to be wrong, why else would Marissa be calling her? Slowly, she realized that Marissa had no interest with getting back together with her. She just had to tell her something.

"Marissa?" All the anger had left Alex's voice. "What's wrong?" Marissa paused again, this time at the tenderness in Alex's voice. She finally found her voice, broken and fumbling as it was.

"Alex. Alex, he's dead. Ryan's dead. He's gone Alex."


	2. i'm ready

**CHAPTER TWO: i'm ready**

Alex leaned her airplane chair back and closed her eyes in a vain effort to clear he mind. All she could hear around her was the hum of the plane's engine and the soft music playing in the speakers, probably because of the fact that she was on her company's private jet. She had borrowed it to fly to Newport and she should have been there twenty minutes ago. Alex couldn't believe how worried she was about Marissa. She was all that was on her mind. Alex knew she had freaked Rachel out when she had left so suddenly, but she honestly couldn't think of anything else than Marissa Cooper and the girl's broken voice. What she had thought were banished emotions had come back to bite her in the ass. Apparently burying feelings didn't actually make them go away.

Alex took a long sip of her coke and rum and watched the clouds' fingertips reach out to caress the plane as it pushed through them. _God I'm feeling poetic today. _Alex thought, taking another sip of her drink. Rum did that to her. The pilot's voice came on over the intercom.

"We're landing Ms. Kelly. Please fasten your seat belt." Alex quickly downed the rest of her drink and clicked her sat belt into place. She glanced outside to see the landing.

Marissa sat in the airport waiting area and looked vacantly out the windows. Airplanes took off and landed, and one even stalled, but Marissa was oblivious to this. She was seeing something else as she sat there, waiting for Alex. Her heart, body and soul were mute, lost in the infinity of denial. Acknowledging that Alex was coming here meant acknowledging that her husband was gone. Marissa didn't want to let go yet. She didn't even think she could let go, not now, not ever. Ryan had been her best friend, and she loved him so much. And Kate. . .her little girl was still in the hospital. How could this happen?

Marissa could see her daughter's green eyes, her straight blonde hair, her bubbling laugh. And she could see her in the white hospital bed, cuts all over her face. And Ryan, with all of those wires and that look on his face. It was like a part of her had been ripped out and left a gaping hole, so she pulled away and left the hole for someone else to fill, while she tried to go on like everything was okay.

The stewardress came over the intercom, but Marissa was in her mind, too busy trying to forget everything to focus on the world around her. That world was hard and sharp and cold, and inside herself Marissa could escape into warm memories, where she was fine in the misconception of safety. That's where she wanted to be.

Alex stepped into the waiting area and her eyes immeadiately found Marissa, sitting off by herself. Alex's heart broke for the other girl. She looked so consumed by loss. Alex almost ran over to her, and dropped her bag by the chairs. She fell into the seat next to Marissa and wrapped her arms around the other girl. Marissa seemed to slowly realize that Alex was there and for a moment Alex saw something in the brunette's eyes. Pain, loss and realization and horror, but it was quickly replaced by something Alex easily read. Something she knew. Denial.

"Marissa? Marissa honey." Alex said desperately trying to pull Marissa out of her self-imposed trance. She stroked the girl's face with her fingertips, tucking back loose strands of hair behind the brunette's ear. Marissa glanced away.

"Hey Alex." She said, so quiet that Alex could barely hear her.

"Don't bother Alex." A voice came from behind Alex. She turned to find Summer Roberts, or Carter now, standing behind her with two cups of coffee. "She's been like that for almost a week now." Summer looked worn out. Her hair was messy, her jeans and makeup smudged. She offered a cup to Alex. "What are you doing here?" Summer asked. Alex frowned.

"You don't know?" she asked, confused. Summer shook her head.

"We're waiting for Ryan's mom to fly in from LA." Summer explained. Alex looked over to Marissa.

"Marissa called me a few hours ago and told me. She sounded really messed up." Alex told Summer. "I flew in for her and the funeral." Summer looked down at Alex frowning, but she looked happier.

"She talked to you?" Summer asked. Alex nodded and Summer smiled wearily. "Thank god. She's barely said a word since. . . you know. Not even to Kate." Summer's smile faded at the thought.

"Kate?" Alex questioned. Summer frowned.

"Ryan and Marissa's daughter, Kate." She said. "She didn't tell you?" Alex shook her head. Summer lowered her voice. "I'm really worried about her. She didn't even tell me you were coming." Alex's eyes went to Marissa. She reached out and touched Marissa's face softly and was surprised to hear Marissa's speak to her.

"He's not gone Alex. He can't be. He never leaves me." Marissa murmured, her voice breaking. She leaned into Alex's arms. Alex wrapped her in a tight hug and rested her chin on the younger girl's head. Summer watched them both with surprise. Then, Alex kissed the top of Marissa's head and Summer's eyes narrowed in thought. They couldn't be. . .no, she would know if they were. . .were they? Slowly, Marissa pulled away and Alex wiped away the single tear that had slid down Marissa's face. _They are. _Summer decided. Marissa's eyes desperately searched Alex's face for some sort of answer, but Alex merely shook her head helplessly.

Marissa's eyes dulled again and she pulled away, unable to deal with the rush of pain that filled the empty spot in her heart. Only, it didn't feel like her heart, because her heart was small and this pain felt like it could fill the world. It was bursting out of her, making her feel crazy, making her want to scream so she could let go of some of it go. She pulled away from it, ran away from it. It was something she had no experience with and didn't want any experience with.

Alex watched Marissa fade into herself and felt an the urge to yank the other girl back. At the same time, she wanted to protect Marissa from the pain she was feeling. Alex wanted that haven for the other girl. But she only sighed softly and turned back to Summer, who frowned.

"I don't understand." Summer said, her voice full of confusion, her body nearing exhaustion. "I've been with her around the clock for the last three days and she hasn't said a word and yet she calls you out of the blue, and you've been here for five minutes and she's better than she's been all week." Summer looked like she was about to fall onto the floor and just sleep. Or possibly scream with all her might. She was a bundle of deadened nerves. Alex reached out insticntivly and squeezed her hand. Summer's eyes flooded with tears and she pulled Alex into a hug.

Alex awkwardly patted Summer's back as the other girl cried softly, but Alex felt herself losing it to. She had been in her own state if denial, focusing completely on Marissa. She hadn't thought about Ryan, who had been her friend for years and years. She hadn't wanted to deal with her own pain. She felt tears pour out of her eyes and she gripped Summer tighter as the two girls cried. They lost themsleves in their seperate pain. Finally, Summer pulled away, wiping the tears from her face impatiently.

"Ms. Atwood will be here in a minute." She said, glancing over at Marissa. Alex knew that Summer was trying to stay strong for her best friend. Alex's tears still fell down her face, but she reached up and brushed them away as well. Just that short cry had made her feel a bit better. A bit. She reached down and tucked a strand of Marissa's hair behind her ear. Marissa looked up at Alex vacantly.

"Are you two. . Did you . . ?" Both questions were left unfinished, but Alex knew what Summer was asking. She looked over into Summer's eyes.

"It's a long story...I mean we were...but we weren't...we aren't though...not now, not really ever..." Alex wasn't sure how to explain the complexity that was her and Marissa. "I love her, but she has...she had Ryan." Alex looked back at Marissa sitting there and felt another tear slip down her face. This one was seperate from hers for Ryan, from another pain that ran deeper and had lasted longer. A pain she had honestly believed was gone.

Summer looked at Alex sadly. She could tell that the other girl really loved Marissa and she felt bad for her. The intercom blared above them and they were all pulled from their seperate thoughts. Marissa stood up and Alex interlaced her fingers with the other girl's. Marissa was like a little child who needed somone to be there with her. To help her along, show her what to do now that her world had been destroyed. Summer turned toward the plane portal and wiped the last traces of her tears from her face. They waited for a few moments before they saw Ryan's mom's badly bleached platnium blonde hair bobbing in the crowd. When the crowd cleared a little they saw her tearstained face at the same time she saw them.

"Marissa honey!" She called and ran over, wrapping the unfeeling Marissa in a bear hug. They were two opposites, one who hid her feelings and another who wore them on her sleeve for everyone to see. But both were ripped apart by losses they felt differently, acted on differently. Ryan had been such a huge part of their lives and now he was gone and Marissa and Lori were left with nothing. Lori cried openly, but Marissa said nor did anything. Finally, Lori pulled away, sensing something was wrong. She looked into Marissa's dulled eyes and then over at Summer and Alex, who stood there awkwardly.

"What's wrong with Marissa?" She asked quietly. Summer took her arm and pulled her off to the side. Marissa sat back down, seeming unaffected by what had just happened.

"She's just not really there right now." Alex explained, her eyes flicking over to Marissa and then back to Lori. "She refuses to admit that Ryan is gone. She just needs some time." Lori looked back at Marissa.

"Poor baby." Lori said, wiping more tears from her face. "When will she be better?" As Summer started to explain it to Lori, Alex sat back down next to Marissa. She took both of Marissa's hands in hers and turned Marissa's face to hers.

"Marissa sweetheart? We've got to go. I'm going to stay in a hotel tonight, but I'll take you home with Summer, okay?" Something in those words and the tenderness in which Alex said them with pulled Marissa into the present.

"No." She said, her eyes focusing on Alex's. "Will you stay with me tonight?" It was as much a question as a plea. Alex paused for a minute, but finally agreed.

"Ok." She stood up, pulling Marissa with her, and walked over to Lori and Summer. "Let's go." She intertwined her fingers with Marissa, a long forgotten and short lived habit. Marissa's fingers unconciously tightened around Alex's and she let herself be led toward the car.


	3. it's only love

**CHAPTER THREE: it's only love**

Marissa walked into her darkened house and automatically flipped the light switch in the hallway. She opened her mouth to call to her husband and daughter that she was home and had to physically stop herself. They weren't there anymore. That simple action and reaction drove Marissa to the present. Tears brimmed in her eyes, but she pushed them down. Marissa heard Alex come in behind her, lugging her suitcases, and turned to help her. When Alex caught sight of the tears in Marissa's eyes, she knew immeaditely that Marissa, the Marissa Alex loved, was back. Alex reached out and took Marissa's hand, letting go of the suitcases. Alex pulled Marissa toward her, but the younger girl still refused to cry.

They held onto to each other, both wrestling with emotions that neither could understand. But this time their emotions weren't so much about each other as with other people. This touch, this simple hug, would have been forbidden a year ago. But now, with all that had happened, this touch was the only thing keeping them sane. Alex pulled away first. She slowly picked her suitcases back up.

"Hey Riss." Alex said, just barely smiling at her. "Where's your couch?" Marissa gestured mutley to the room to Alex's right. Alex walked inside and dropped her suitcases on the ground, then stood by the couch. She looked back at Marissa, who was hovering in the doorway. "What?" Alex asked and Marissa looked away.

"Do you think. ." Marissa looked over into Alex's eyes, then glanced away. "Do you think you could sleep with me tonight?" She asked. Alex sighed almost silently and looked away, thinking. Sleeping with Marissa was always a bad idea, but now...

"Sure. Whatever you need Riss." Alex stood up and followed Marissa down the hallway and into what must have been her and Ryan's bedroom. Alex took Marissa's arm and stopped her. Alex was amazed at what the feel of Marissa's skin could still do to her. Her whole arm was on high alert. She paused, trying to remember what she had been about to say. Maybe this whole sleeping together thing wasn't a good idea. . .

"Do you have a spare?" Alex asked and Marissa merely nodded. Alex knew that the younger girl must have been exhausted. The second they got to the other bedroom Marissa crawled into bed, on top of the covers, and curled into a ball. Alex crawled in next to her. They lay there, not touching, for a moment and then Alex saw Marissa take a deep painful breath. Alex reached over and wrapped her arms around the girl. She felt Marissa's shoulders heave and Alex held her tighter. They lay there, Marissa wracked with sobs, Alex holding her as tightly as she could. More than an hour passed like this, Alex holding Marissa, until finally Marissa turned to Alex.

"Alex, I can't do this." Marissa's eyes were brimming with tears and her face was streaked with them. Alex reached out and brushed a few away. Her own eyes filled at the sight of the other girl. "I can't, I can't, I can't." Marissa murmered brokenly as she pulled away from Alex's calming touch, back into her emotions. She spoke slowly, her words scattered around her tongue. " I can't keep doing this, Alex, because he can't. He fucking can't. And I'm so mad at him for leaving me alone. But I let him down Alex, I let him down. Its my fault. I'm so sorry, so sorry."

Alex reached out and pulled Marissa as close as possible and Marissa's next words were lost in a flood of tears. Scattered mutters laced Marissa's sobs and Alex had to fight back tears of her own. Finally, Marissa stopped crying, her eyes closed. She had fallen asleep, pushed off the brink of exhaustion. Alex watched her sleep and felt tears slip down her own face. God, there had been a time when she had loved Ryan with all her heart and even though she hadn't for along time, she could remember what it felt like. She missed him as well. And she had missed Marissa as much. She slowly drifted off to sleep

When Alex woke up she found herself in an empty bed. She sat up and saw a note on the pilow beside her. She read it quickly.

_Alex,_

_I had to go to the funeral home and the hospital for Ryan and Kate. Summer was sleeping so i went by myself. i'll see you tonight._

_-Marissa_

Alex was worried. No one should ever have to do that by theirself. She rolled out of bed and headed toward the living room, where her stuff was. Across the hall was a door, which she thought might lead to the hallway, so she opened it. What she saw made her stop in her tracks. Kate's room. Alex had never met the little girl, never seen a picture, never even heard of her until the night before. She was proof of what Marissa and Ryan had had and Alex didn't really want to deal with that. Standing here though. . . Kate was the spitting image of her mom. Same green eyes, dirty blond hair, same nose. Same twinkle in her eyes when she smiled. There were pictures of her all around the room. Alex wrapped her arms around her stomach. The little girl was still in the hospital, her future as unsure as her mother's. No wonder Marissa was such a mess.

Alex saw the girl's initials on the wall. K.A.A. Kate A. Atwood. Alex was afraid to find out what the A stood for. She looked around and saw a pillow in the crib with the little girl's name stitched on it. Kate Alexandria Atwood. _Shit, Marissa_. Alex thought._ You did it, you really fucking did it. _Alex felt tears form in her eyes.

_Marissa turned her ice cream cone sideways and licked a drop of mint chocolate chip that threatened to fall off. Alex turned and looked at her, grinning. Marissa, head still turned next to the cone, smiled back. She reached out and took Alex's hand. They were walking along the beach in the dark, the waves crashing near their feet. Alex took a bite out of her chocolate ice cream and Marissa gave her a look._

_"What?" Alex asked, swinging Marissa's hand._

_"Who _bites _their ice cream cone?" Marissa asked, licking her's again. Alex smiled and shrugged._

_"Me, apparently." She answered. "Another one of my adorable quirks." She added. Marissa rolled her eyes and pushed against Alex, a constant grin on her face. _

_"Well, my kid better not bite his ice cream cone." She stated. Alex laughed._

_"Are we having this conversation again?"She asked and Marissa laughed too. Earlier that morning they had talked about the perfect kid. Blonde hair, blue eyes, adorably short, athletic. . .the list went on and on. Everything from favorite color to favorite music to freckles or not. She and Alex had disagreed on half the stuff. Marissa stopped walking. _

_"Alex, when I have a baby I'm going to name it after you." Marissa stated. Alex raised an eyebrow and took her lover into her arms._

_"What if we're not together then?" She asked, kissing Marissa on the side of her mouth. She tasted like mint. Alex tried to ignore the annoying thought of Ryan Atwood that hung in the back of her mind._

_"We will be." Marissa said confidently. Then she paused. "But if we're not, and I still love you when I have a baby, I'll still name it after you." She promised._

_"So if we break up, I should definitley come back in a few years and see if you have a baby named Alex?" Alex asked and Marissa laughed._

_"Yes, and if I do, come save me and the baby and take us to some island in the Pacific for a happily ever after." Marissa said. Alex smiled._

_"Will do." She promised. They started walking again. "By the way, there's chocolate ice cream all down the back of your shirt." She told Marissa. Marissa laughed and pushed Alex into the water._

Alex turned and left the room. Marissa had held on for five years after Alex had left and another year after Alex left again. And here Alex was, back again. Marissa was just as screwed as Alex was. They were hopelessly in love and hopelessly fated to be crushed yet again. Alex reached the living room and rifled through her bags, not really paying attention to what she was doing. She found another note from Marissa on the couch.

_Dinner at five at the McDonald's down the street? -Marissa_

Alex stuffed the note in her pocket so she wouldn't forget and headed out the door. She really needed to clear her head.


	4. sympathy

**CHAPTER FOUR: sympathy**

Alex sat across the table from Marissa, who was picking at her salad. The McDonald's they were in was almost completely deserted, but neither one cared. A couple loud teenagers sat a few tables away, but that was it. Alex could see Marissa pulling away from her again. She sighed into the silence, tired of their games already and she had only been there for a day. Tension was spread thin between them, but neither one was up for a fight.

Marissa kept her eyes on her salad, trying not to look at Alex. She should just tell the older girl to go, so that they wouldn't repeat what they always did. Marissa was terrified of what would happen if Alex stayed and broke her heart again. She couldn't deal with that fresh pain, not with Ryan . . gone. She glanced up quickly for a glimpse of the older girl, but looked away at the coldness in Alex's eyes. She shouldn't have called her.

Alex had come back, rescued Marissa once again and now she was getting pushed away again. Apparently, if Marissa let anyone in, she had to shove them out. Alex knew some of that reaction had to be her fault and it hurt her even more. Alex sat back in her seat and took a bite of her hamburger, though she wasn't hungry. She had known what was going to happen the moment she had walked into McDonald's. The moment she had arrived in Newport. The same look in Marissa's eyes, the same way she held herself. Alex knew it way to well and yet she was still scared of what was going to happen. Of losing Marissa again.

Marissa bit her lip and pushed her salad away. The tension was unbearable. She hadn't come here to do this yet again, but here it was happening. God, you couldn't even understand how incredibly tiring it was.

"I want you to stay." Marissa said, surprising herself and Alex. Alex looked at her suspiciously and didn't say anything.

"No you don't." Alex said. "But I'm staying anyway. For Ryan." Alex was dying again. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, wasn't new, but it hurt just as bad. Only this time she wasn't going to run away just because Marissa didn't want her. Just because Marissa said she didn't love her.

Marissa watched Alex look away again and felt tears prick her eyes. Her leg brushed Alex's under the table and shivers went up her body, goosebumps everywhere. The spot where they had touched was sensitive, feeling more alive than the rest of her. Just a simple second of a touch and she was gone. She knew Alex felt the same way, but Alex had always been allowed to show it and had grown better at hiding it. At least Marissa hoped that's what it was. Tears threatened to fall again. She was emotionally stretched to the limit.

Alex's leg still prickled where Marissa's had brushed it. She watched tears fill Marissa's eyes and in that instant she saw the other girl's feelings. Alex tried to hide what she herself was feeling. If she could read Marissa so well, than Marissa must be able to read her. They couldn't be together. That was it. The end. Alex couldn't help Marissa again. She could barely help herself.

Marissa finally forced herself to look into Alex's eyes. She was, as always, momentarily entranced. She focused on the words forming in her mind.

"I guess you know what I'm going to say." Marissa said slowly.

"The same thing you say everytime we're together?" Alex asked. Marissa looked out the window. She always forgot why she and Alex didn't work and was always forced back into sharp truth. But it had been Ryan. He wasn't holding her back anymore, but he wasn't holding her up anymore either. She hated him for leaving her by herself, leaving her be so terrified of this pain.

Alex stood up. "I don't want to go through this again." She said and Marissa stood as well. "You don't love me. You don't want to see me. It won't work." She turned to leave. "I'll see you at the funeral."

Marissa went toward the opposite door of Alex. She was already pushing her feelings away. She couldn't help but turn, not able to help glancing back.

Alex paused at the door and turned to Marissa. The younger girl was paused in front of the opposite door. Alex pushed through her's.


	5. she talks to angels

**CHAPTER FIVE: she talks to angels**

Alex slowly put her cell phone down. She sat down on the couch in her hotel room and put her head in her hands. She had been expecting this, but that hadn't stopped it from hurting just as bad when it happened. She wiped away a single tear that fell all alone. The problem was, she was crying for her and Marissa, not her and Rachel, her girlfriend who had just called her to tell her that it was over. She and Rachel had been good, and the other girl had loved her, but they were never, ever, anything like Marissa and Alex. Alex sat back and gazed out the window into the sparkling night. Newport looked just as decieving as it always did. Full of empty promises and closed closets.

After a bit Alex's phone rang and she didn't even bother to glance at the caller id. Whoever was calling she didn't want to talk to. The phone stopped and she was left in the pristine silence that can only come after a disturbance. Then the phone rang again. Alex sighed and answered it.

"Hello?"

"Alex?" Came Marissa's voice. How many times had she heard that before?

_**she never mentions the word addiction**_

"Goodnight Marissa." Alex said and almost hung up the phone. She couldn't quite do it. She sighed. "What do you need?"

"Someone has to release Ryan. . . Ryan's body. .and get his stuff at the hospital and Alex, I can't do it. . I can't." Alex shut her eyes tightly. "Kate, she's here with me. I can't let her see me like this Alex." God, she should just leave now. Get on her jet and go back to New York. Go back to her real life.

"I'll be there in ten." Alex said and shut the phone. She stood up and slipped on her jacket, putting her phone in the pocket.

_**she says she talks to angels**_

_**says they call her out by her name**_

Alex pulled into the hospital garage and handed her keys to the valet. She stepped out onto the gray concrete, the yellow lights shining from above. She walked toward the elevator quickly, her boots echoing in the almost empty room, the roar of a car engine disrupting the quiet. She pressed floor 3 and waited impatiently, shifting from one foot to the other. Finally, it opened and she stepped inside. Her mind had just kind of stopped. She knew what she wanted, and she knew beyond all disreputable fact that she was not going to get it. Usually she would just pack up and leave. . . and she had, twice. But she kept coming back for some reason and that was what was screwing with her. This would be the last time, because she could feel herself starting to hate Marissa. Fucking hell.

The elevator door opened and she stepped into a quiet white hall. She had never liked hospitals. They represented death and pain, neither of which Alex was fond of. Alex stepped into the waiting room and found Marissa staring out a window off into the night, Kate asleep next to her. Alex stood in front of her, uncomfortable. Her hands were stuffed in her jacket's pockets and she tilted her head a bit to the right when she spoke.

"How can I help?" She asked quietly. Marissa glanced up from her reverie.

_**she gives a smile when the pain comes around**_

_**the pain's gonna make everything alright**_

"Um. .over there." She pointed to a counter across the room and Alex half-turned to look. Marissa's voice was slow and so quiet that Alex had to lean a little closer to hear her. "I signed a lot of stuff and you have to get his . . his things." Alex nodded gently and turned to go. "Alex...thank you." Marissa voice was broken and weak. She softly stroked her daughter's head, looking stronger with her daughter than Alex had seen her. Alex couldn't stand it. She let herself glance back to Marissa only once.

"No problem."

_**she paints her eyes as black as night now**_

_**she pulls those shades down tight**_

Alex followed an orderly down the sanatized halls, stopping herself from glancing into other people's rooms. At first she hadn't been able to help it, but after a few glances she didn't really want to see who was in those rooms. All them were hurt, badly. ICU. The worst place in the hospital, next to the mourge. _And Marissa had to spend days in here._ Alex thought, as she trained her eyes on the wall at the end of the hall. Ahead of her the orderly stopped in front of a room.

"Here. This was his room." The orderly looked back at Alex with sad eyes. "His daughter is a sweet little girl." Alex nodded, but she wouldn't have known. "Watch out for her." Alex stepped into the room to see a small box sitting on an empty bed. Alex turned to ask what she should do, but the orderly had already left. She turned back to silent room and gazed at the plain white box. She approached it cautiously, not sure she wanted to know what was in there.

Finally, she flipped the lid up. A shirt, pants, jacket, newly shined shoes. A Rolex, socks. They were spotlessly clean, but Alex couldn't stand to look at them. There was something in a paper bag lying on top. Alex picked it up. Inside was a rope choker, one that Ryan had been making while they were dating. She had never seen it finished, but it looked so Ryan now. A spot of blood stained the rope and Alex felt tears threaten. She picked up the box, dropping the necklace into it and walked out the door. Ryan's life seemed so small right now, crammed into a cardboard box..

_**but to me**_

_**means everything**_

Marissa watched Alex walk in holding a white box. She stood up slowly and stretched her arms out to take the box. Her mind was numb, numb and bored. Grief was boring. Going through your life like it was normal, trying to do the things you had to do. . .grief was boring, because it felt like you should be different. Like everything should be different after they're gone, but its not. It's your same old life but its missing something and now its just boring. Feeling the same pain over and over until it becomes almost monotone, repetitive. It was sucking Marissa into a black and white scripted life that was just boring. Marissa felt tears come again and those were the most boring of all. She couldn't stop them.

It wasn't until Alex got closer that Marissa saw the other girl's red eyes. She took the box from Alex and wrapped her in a hug, needing to comfort the other girl. Somehow Alex's pain wasn't normal, wasn't boring, it was important, more important than Marissa's own pain. It needed to be stopped, because Marissa couldn't stand to see the other girl hurting. Especially if Marissa was causing the hurt. _Don't start Marissa_. She thought. That was another time, another place. But Marissa pulled away a few seconds later, rejecting the instinctive feeling. Pulling away again, in more ways than one. She picked the box back up and took Kate's hand. The little girl was staring sleepily up at Alex. Marissa looked toward the blonde.

"You should stay." She said simply and Alex looked at her with understanding. Alex put her hands back in her pockets and glanced uncomfortably out the window.

"Ok." She agreed. Marissa glanced down at her feet, then stepped around Alex and headed toward the elevator. Alex remained there, staring out the window at the parking lot.

_**the pain's gonna make everything alright**_


	6. 45

**CHAPTER SIX: 45**

Alex sat behind the wheel of her Jeep, lights flashing in her face, road flying before her. She knew exactly where she was going, but she didn't know why. To remember? Or maybe to forget. She slowed down, pulling off the highway. The road wound down a small hill, stopping on top of a cliff. Alex pulled into the natural parking spot, spraying sand everywhere. She got out and turned around to glance back at the highway behind her. In front of her was a long drop into the ocean dark ocean below. Alex could hear it, but she couldn't see anything.

She grabbed a flashlight from the back of her car. She started down the cliff, sliding down an overgrown path. She hadn't been there in six years, and from the looks of things, neither had Marissa. Alex walked into the hole in the cliff and was instantly surrounded by pitch black darkness. She flicked on her flashlight and shone it on the walls. There had been a small pool in the far corner were she and Marissa had. . .had fun. It was still there, a steady stream of water coming in and flowing out. Alex walked over and slipped her shoes off, dipping her toes into the freezing water.

She suddenly remembered something else, another in the long line of repressed memories. She shone her light onto the cavern's walls and sure enough, near the edge of the pool, though weather worn and slightly faded, were her and Marissa's intials. Alex moved closer and traced them with her fingers.

_Marissa took Alex's hand and helped her up the tiny stairs carved into the stone wall._

_"Where are we going?" Alex asked again, laughing, because she had no clue what was going on. She stumbled a bit and Marissa chuckled, quickly grabbing her arm and keeping her up._

_"Shh-" Marissa said, pulling her into the huge cove. Marissa pulled off Alex's blindfold with flourish. "Here you go." She said, her hand still gripping Alex's. Alex looked around the huge cavern that looked out onto the gorgeous water. Alex turned to Marissa and smiled, taking both of Marissa's hand in hers. _

_"It's wonderful." Alex said, and turned to walk down more steps, almost unconsciously entwining her hand with Marissa's. "What's down here?"_

_"My paintings." Marisa answered, just a little shyly. No one had ever seen them before._

_"Can I see?" Alex asked._

_"Sure." Marissa answered and pulled Alex down the stairs._

_"Do you wanna be a painter?" Alex asked as they walked down the stairs._

_"Yeah, what about you?" Marissa asked._

_"A music producer." Alex answered. The two girls smiled at each other. _

Alex smiled bittersweet at the memory. She had gotten her dream, but she didn't think Marissa had ever gotten hers. She pointed her flashlight at the tiny stairs at the far end of the cavern and quickly crossed it and started up the stairs. Everything was exactly the same. She stepped up onto the flat shelf that looked out onto the ocean only ten feet below. Marissa's easel and stool still stood there, both looking forlorn and broken by themselves, without Marissa sitting behind them.

Alex walked over to them, placing her fingertips on the easel's wooden frame. A sheet had been thrown over it haphazardly. Alex took a handful of the sheet with her left hand and pulled it off, shining the flashlight in her right hand onto the paper. She froze when she saw her own face on the paper. She was smiling just a little, looking off into the ocean. She seemed to be thinking about something and was completley wrapped up in it.

Alex could remember that day. She had been wondering what was going to happen between her and Marissa when Ryan came back, and then Marissa had come running up the stairs, yelling something about Hot Hot Heat coming to the Bait Shop. Alex had smiled at the sound of Marissa's voice before even seeing the other girl. Alex smiled to herself at the memory, but it faded almost instantly. There were so many other bad memories wrapped up in the good ones.

Alex glanced over at the wooden shelf on the wall. It was filled with notepads. Alex walked over and flicked off her flashlight, letting the moonlight guide her way. She picked up one of the pads and flipped through it. It was filled with charcoal drawings of her. Of her smiling, laughing, sleeping, winking. She flipped faster, seeing her face over and over again. She let the pad drop to the ground and grabbed another one, only to see the same.

Another and another, all filled with absolutely breath taking pictures. She finally stopped, the cave feeling suddenly empty after the frantic rustle of pages. She knew Marissa loved her. Marissa had named her daughter after Alex, had drawn hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of her, had called her, had wanted her when everyone else had failed to meet her needs. And Alex had come to the resue once again.

What Alex didn't know was if Marissa was still in love with her_. No. _Alex stopped those thoughts. It didn't matter, she told herself, whether Marissa loved her, because this was the last time. No way in hell she was getting sucked back into the spinning tornado that was Marissa Cooper.

Alex ran her fingers through her hair, a habit she'd had for years and years. She turned to leave, having seen enough for forever. First, she couldn't help but put the notepads back on the shelf neatly. Then she headed toward the stairs, but something stopped her dead in her tracks. She stared and tears filled her eyes. On the wall, the one opposite of the shelf, were the words ALEX AND MARISSA, words Alex had grafitied years ago and still held their place on the wall. Now, when Alex looked back on that time she seemed so young, so naive. So happy. Alex walked over to the wall and ran her fingers over the jumbled letters. Alex felt another tear trace its way down her cheek. _Just when I thought I couldn't cry anymore. _She thought. She wiped it away quickly.


	7. under my skin

**CHAPTER SEVEN: under my skin**

Marissa took Kate's hand again as they stepped out of the elevator. The little blonde girl was already rebelling against her mother's authority, refusing to hold her hand in the elevator. But what would you expect from a daughter of Ryan Atwood and Marissa Cooper? Kate gave in quickly though, comforted by her mom in the big echoing parking lot. They reached Marissa's car and she buckled Kate in quickly, nervously. Her mind was on Ryan right now, struggling with guilt in finding comfort in Alex. In finding comfort in anyone. She felt like she should still be feeling pain and struggling, but instead she was starting to get better. She slipped into the driver's seat and pulled out of the parking garage. The hospital was too painfully familiar for her to feel any comfort there.

Marissa glanced back in the rearview mirror at Kate, who had quickly fallen asleep in her car seat. Marissa loved that little girl with every inch of her and she needed to protect her so badly. But she hadn't been able to protect her from all this, because she hadn't been able to protect herself. When they finally reached home, Marissa quietly opened her car door and then Kate's and picked up the tiny girl. She carried her to her bedroom and put her in her bed. One of Kate's coushins was lying in the middle of her bed and Marissa knew it must have been Alex. So she knew that Marissa had named her daughter after her, her promise to her so long ago. _That's probably why she came tonight._ Marisssa thought, going to her own room.

She looked into her and Ryan's room and couldn't stand to sleep there. She walked over to the guest bedroom where she and Alex had slept last night, and realized she couldn't sleep there either. She walked into their other guest bedroom and laid down on the bed, quickly falling asleep in her clothes. She didn't have the will to think about anything tonight. Ryan's funeral was tomorrow.

Alex slid into her black dress and examined herself in the mirror. She looked like shit, due to a night with no sleep. She wrapped a band-aid around her tattooed middle finger, not wanting Marissa to see the tattoo for some reason. She was too tired to come up with a coherent reason as to why. _Probably because you don't want her to think you're still holding on when you want to let go._ Alex yawned and grabbed her keys and purse and went outside.

Summer was arranging flowers in the front of the church. Gray morning light made her face look paler than it really was, though it wasn't very tan at the moment. Too much crying and long nights. She glanced up when her husband appeared next to her. He wrapped her in a hug and they stood in front of the church with their arms around each other, both missing their good friend. Finally, they pulled apart and Summer looked up at him.

"You okay?" Aaron asked. Summer nodded mutely.

"Is Marissa here yet?" Summer asked. Aaron shook his head.

"Your dad and Julie picked up Kate this morning, but they didn't say anything about Marissa." Summer reached out and took Aaron's hand.

"Alright. Let's go check on Kate and then we have to meet with the priest." Summer suggested. Ryan's mom, Lori, had insisted on a Catholic wedding. God knows why.

Marissa woke up in her rumpled clothes, bright morning light streaming in her face. She rolled over on her side to see if Ryan was still there and met only a made-up bed. Not a familiar bed either. The past few weeks came back to her and she gripped the covers, faced with dealing with it all over again. Slowly the feeling of loss subsided and she sighed, slowly getting out of bed. She had to go to her husband's funeral today.

Marissa zipped up the back of her black dress. Kate wasn't in her room, so Julie must have picked her up. Marissa leaned over her dresser and slowly drew eyeliner over her eye. It was such a normal thing, but it brought back memories. Not of Ryan.

_"Hey, do you actually plan on going to the Bait Shop at all tonight?" Marissa heard Alex ask from somewhere behind _

_her. She was drawing eyeliner above her eye at Alex's dresser and she glanced in the mirror to see Alex leaning against the doorframe. Her head was tilted, her eyes amused. Marissa went back to her eyes._

_"No." Marissa put down the eyeliner and looked in the mirror again, toward Alex. She picked up the mascara. "I was actually planning on doing my makeup for hours until I looked so gorgeous that you had to take me to bed and we couldn't even go to the Bait Shop." Marissa smirked. She saw something in the mirror move and a second later she felt Alex's arms around her waist. _

_"Well, that's a bit drastic." Alex said in her ear. "All you have to do is look at me with those eyes and I'm all yours Marissa Cooper." Marissa turned around, still in Alex's arms._

_"Really Alex Kelly? Well, you should have told me sooner." Marissa leaned her forehead against Alex's and pushed her back against the bed. Alex pulled her down on top of her and kissed her slowly._

The memory passed, another in a long line of them. Marissa put down the eyeliner and stood straight up, examining her reflection. She looked good for what she was going through. She walked out of her bedroom door.

Alex walked through the church doors. She knew she was an hour early, but she had nothing else to do and she couldn't stay in her hotel room any longer. She sat down in a pew near the back. She supposed she should have been praying for Ryan or some shit like that, but fuck God. Fuck God, fuck God, fuck God. Like he'd ever fucking done anything down her.

She took a deep breath, trying to push away tears she knew were coming. The shock of Ryan's death hadn't faded yet, but the loss hung in her chest. Alex leaned her head against the pew and started crying. Tears burned their way out of her eyes, streamng down her cheeks with hopelessness. With so much pain.

Marissa stood in front of the steps that lead up to he church. She was terrified of going inside. She had just been standing there, for at least five minutes, and she still couldn't move. Finally, she took a step forward. And another. And another, until finally she reached the heavy wooden doors. She pulled one open.


	8. on your porch

**CHAPTER EIGHT: on your porch**

The first thing Marissa saw when she walked into the church was Alex Kelly. She really didn't seem to be able to escape her. She could cut her out of her life, push her away, shove her away, yank her closer, give her the cold shoulder, marry somebody else, call her in the middle of the night and then ditch her, but Alex just kept _being _there. Coming back, like some vine that grows up around your house even when you cut it down every weekend. Ok, maybe that wasn't the best analogy. Because you hate that vine and Marissa loved Alex Kelly.

Marissa walked over and sat down next to Alex, softly placing her hand on the older girl's back. Alex glanced up at her, her eyes red. When she saw that it was Marissa she started to stand up. Marissa grabbed her hand and pulled her closer. She put her arms around her and Alex relaxed into them. She leaned her head on Marissa's shoulder.

"He's really gone." Alex whispered, her tears starting to dry on her face. Marissa didn't say anything, just held her tighter. Finally, Alex pulled away, wiping her eyes.

"Hey." Alex said quietly.

"Hey."

"How are you doing?" Alex asked.

"How are you doing?" Marissa countered. Her voice was weak, tired. Alex smiled bitterly, looking away.

"Great, can't you tell?" She said, wiping her eyes. Marissa smiled a little.

"Yeah, stupid question, huh?" Marissa said. She took a shaky breath. She leaned back against the pew and crossed her legs, looking off at the altar. She started to speak, her voice unsure. "I miss him Alex. I know you probably don't want to hear that, because I don't want you to hear that. But he was my best friend and I feel . . .lost without him." Marissa felt a tear fall down her cheek and she wiped it away, almost casually. Alex watched her carefully. An open Marissa was always something to be careful around.

"Yeah, I get it." Alex sighed softly, sitting back as well. "I wish I didn't, but I do." She glanced down. Marissa had reached out and taken her hand, intertwining their fingers together. Alex squeezed her hand. Marissa leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. She smelled so familiar. She took comfort in her smell and closed her eyes.

Summer walked into the church, opening the doors quietly. She always felt reverent in churches, for some reason. Her eyes flicked around the church and what she saw made her smile. Alex and Marissa were sitting side by side, Marissa's head on Alex's shoulder. Summer didn't want to interrupt their moment, but people were starting to arrive and if they saw Marissa Atwood, the widow, comforted in the the arms of her ex-lover...well, the gossip would last for years. Summer walked up quietly to them.

"Hey." Summer said, sitting down to Marissa and taking her other hand. Marissa opened her eyes, taking her head off Alex's shoulder. Summer glanced over at Alex. "Hey Alex."

"Hey Summer." Alex returned, her eyes still red. Summer smiled softly, then squeezed Marissa's hand and let go of it.

"People are starting to show up at the funeral parlor across the street, for the wake. And they want to come in here and pray. You should probably be there, to talk to them." Marissa nodded.

"Yeah." Summer smiled again and left. She knew Marissa wanted to be alone right now.Well, just with one person. One, specific person. "Will you stay with me?" Marissa asked Alex once Summer was gone. Alex looked up at her. She nodded.

"Yeah, whatever you need."

Across the street, Seth and Anna were sitting next to each other in the funeral parlor's lobby. Emma, their daughter, now all of three years old, sat in Seth's lap. She had long curly black hair, inherited from her dad, and her mom's face. Her big brown eyes took in everything happening around her, including her mother's red eyes and her father's sullen composure. She didn't understand, but she didn't like it anyway.

Marissa and Alex walked into the parlor, Alex hanging a little behind Marissa. She was sure that no one there knew their history, but some strange girl hanging around Marissa all the time would raise suspicions. The first thing Marissa saw was Seth and Anna, sitting by themselves. Seth looked broken, his little girl on his lap. Marissa walked over and Anna rose, wrapping her in a hug. Alex followed. Seth stood up, lifting Emma into his arms. Alex offered him a hug and he took it, burying his face into her shoulder. When they pulled apart, Seth sighed and wiped his eyes. Alex smiled at the little girl who looked lost in her father's arms.

"Alex, right?" Seth said. Alex nodded. "I remember you visited a long time ago. You left quick though." Alex nodded again.

"Personal stuff." She explained. It was only a half-lie. Beside them, Anna and Marissa were still wrapped around each other. Finally, they pulled apart. Anna looked into Marissa's eyes, asking her a silent question. Marissa nodded silently. She was ok. She turned to Seth and didn't even bother with faked smiles. They just wrapped their arms around each other, two people who had lost one of the most important people in their life. Both were half-broken, trying to heal for their children, and for their lovers.

Alex and Anna felt a bit like intruders on this quiet, intimate scene, even though it was between the two loves of their lives. But they both understood that the two now had more in common than they had ever wanted. As did Alex and Anna. Lovers of the broken-hearted, or something poetic like that. Marissa and Seth pulled apart and Marissa smiled at Emma.

"Hey Emma. How are you doing?" Emma regarded her, then smiled shyly.

"Good." She said and burrowed into her father's arms. Marissa felt her smile start to slip, knowing Kate would never be able to do that, touch her father, again. She looked away, to Alex, and took a steadying breath. Turning back to Emma, she smiled.

"Great."

"Marissa, we should.." Alex left the sentence there, but they all knew what it meant. Marissa nodded.

"Yeah." She turned her attention to Seth. "I'll find you later." She promised and then followed Alex down an empty hall. Marissa reached out and took Alex's hand, squeezing it tightly as they headed toward the casket. People crowded the room ahead, not noticing Alex and Marissa yet and Marissa released Alex's hand. She walked toward the front of the room, leaving Alex in the back, but feeling her beside her anyway. Julie stood holding Kate by the casket. The little girl had her face buried into her grandmother's shoulder, turned away from the casket.

"Did you-did you show him to her?" Marissa asked, fury growing in her for her innocent daughter. Julie frowned.

"Marissa, of course not. What kind of person do you think I am?" Marissa let the anger wash out of her.

"I'm sorry, I'm not..." Marissa didn't bother trying to explain all the emotions she was feeling right now. She reached her arms out for Kate and gathered the little girl to her. "Hey sweetie, Mommy's here. How are you doing?" Kate looked up at her with eyes identical to her mother's, but didn't smile. There was no laughter in her eyes now and it broke Marissa's heart. Her little girl opened her mouth with the most truthful words Marissa had heard in a while.

"I'm just tired."


	9. who knew

**CHAPTER NINE: who knew**

The room was rustling, quiet except for muffled sobs and shifting bodies. The priest stood in the front of the room, droning on in prayer. Kate laid her warm cheek on Marissa's arm and slept soundly. Marissa clutched her hands together. She wasn't looking at the preist, or the coffin, or much of anything. She was remembering. She was remembering and it hurt so bad.

It didn't seem coherent, the thoughts flashing through her mind. They didn't make much sense. But they came anyway, the way most things that make no sense do. They invaded her mind with such startling intent that Marissa was caught in the rush of emotions crashing inside her. They picked her up and shoved her, unsuspecting, backwards in time, catching her heels against long forgotten memories and emotions. Sending her tumbling through a whirlwind of her own making.

The memories she had expected to take her so many days ago had been biding their time, she discovered. Waiting for her to let her guard down, to start to make amends with the life she had left behind. Now here they were, stripping her of every brave front she was wearing at the moment. And god, it hurt so bad.

She kept thinking of the randomest memories. Of Ryan sitting across from her at dinner, their first dinner while they were both in college. His eyes glinting in the candlelight. And though she couldn't see it, she knew his hand was strong on her's, stroking her fingers and promising that they would always be okay. She knew he would always be there. Him rising with the waves in the ocean, his tan chest dripping with water. His arms cutting through the water toward her, wrapping her up with everything he had in him.

Him standing above her in the hospital room, his eyes bright and wet with feeling. The way he grinned so brilliantly, so happily, when he held their daughter in his arms. The sweat on his forehead that matched her own. Marissa shut her eyes, tears burning their way down her cheeks. Goddamn, it hurt so bad. Was it supposed to hurt this bad? How did everyone make it? How did everyone live without the people they needed. Because she needed him. She needed him more than she had wanted anything in her entire life. And right now, she would have given anything to have him.

It scared her, this feeling. This utter feeling of self-sacrafice. She would have given her own life for him at this moment. She would have left everyone behind just so that he could have this life, this life that meant nothing to her. She glanced up, her vision blurred by wayward tears. And met Alex's gaze. The girl on the other side of the stage. Two pews sat on the left and right of the stage, while the rest faced the front. Friends sat on the left, family on the right. Alex had placed herself directly across from Marissa and captured the girl's gaze with a strength that Marissa couldn't even remember having.

Those eyes brought Marissa back. Back to the fact that she couldn't break anyone's heart. Not her innocent daughter, asleep beside her. Not the girl's grandmother, who weeped silently to her left. And surely not the blonde across from her who helped Marissa remember to breathe every once and a while.

The priest kneeled on the altar, but Marissa kept her eyes locked with Alex's. Kept taking in those new promises, the ones she didn't think she could ever believe again. But here she was, accepting all of them. Breathing them in with each overly concious breath she took. Becaue all these breaths, and these heart beats, they meant she was still here and still without him. So far from him.

The creak of released wood brought Mariss back into reality. People were starting to stand. The pallbearers stood, lifting the coffin-that horrid, utterly empty fucking coffin-and carrying it out the door. She hated the ugly, sleek black thing. Inside was someone she didn't know. No, there wasn't anyone in there, just a body. An empty, painfully distant body. Marissa felt her legs move as well, going on complete auto-pilot to follow Lori to the car. She lifted her small daughter in her arms and walked out the side door.

A familiar hand landed on Marissa's arm, tugging her even further into what was now her life. She looked down to see Alex walking beside her. The blonde reached out for Kate and Marissa handed her over, knowing she couldn't trust anyone more than Alex. Alex wrapped the girl in her arms, still soundly asleep and looked back up at Marrisa.

"I'll drive you." She said simply. Marissa nodded. Lori had already climbed into Seth and Anna's car and they reversed out of a parking space. Everything around looked grey, from the cemented parking lot to the dreary sky. Winter was here in Newport, as full-fledged as it would ever get and it felt fitting. Painfully fiitting, but fitting nonetheless.

It wasn't cold outside, but it felt like it should be. Alex's hand found Marissa's and squeezed it lightly. Marissa felt herself breaking down again, confronted with simple and loving strength. She got into her passenger seat as Alex buckled Kate in the back. She leaned her head against the window, looking up into the sky but not seeing it. She saw her reflection in her darkly tinted windows.

She didn't want to go to the funeral site. To be part of that long, depressing line of cars heading to see what they already knew was going to happen. Once you've seen one, you've seen too many. She wanted to go home and fall asleep, wrapped around Alex and Kate, and just be safe.

Alex started the car beside her, and Marissa flicked her eyes over quickly, not having seen the girl get in the car. Alex looked over and intertwined her fingers with Marissa's. She studied her for a second and then pulled out of the parking lot, taking her hand from Marissa's. Marissa felt her heart plummet. Alex was going to make her do this, because Alex didn't understand. Marissa thought she would have understood.

But instead of following the line, Alex pulled out the back way of the funeral home and started down another street. Marissa let herself give a sigh of relief and sat back. She glanced behind her at Kate, checking on the young girl. She was still fast asleep.

"Where to? We have to go there sooner or later, but let's let it be later." Alex said, slowing to a stop at a red light. She looked over at Marissa. "You still here?" She asked and Marissa nodded, more tears forming at the fact that Alex really _knew_ her. She leaned over, and through her tears, kissed the older girl. So soft, it only lasted a second, but Marissa could feel everything she wanted to say coursing through that kiss. She pulled back and watched Alex's face, wet with the tears that were still streaming down Marissa's face. The other girl smiled softly, painfully, and kissed Marissa on the forehead.

Ten minutes later they were sitting in a bustling park, hidden under the trees in their dark clothes. Kate sat playing with the grass, picking it up and blowing it at her mom and Alex. Alex caught a piece and smiled, playfully placing it on Kate's nose. The girl giggled and brushed it off with her uncoordinated fingers. Marissa watched them, smiling to herself. But it didn't go all the way through to her eyes. She still missed Ryan. She felt a soft hand on her's and tears sparked again. Why was it that every kind motion Alex did, Marissa started crying? What was that about?

Alex reached over, turning her full attention to the girl beside her, and wiped away the blooming tears. Marissa grabbed her fingers and held them tight.

"We should go." Alex said quietly. Marissa nodded. Alex stood, pulling Marissa up with her and then looked down at Kate. "You ready Kate?" Alex asked. The little girl pouted.

"Nope." Alex raised her eyebrows and the girl sighed. "Yes." She stood up, rasing her arms to be picked up. Alex scooped her up, then captured Marissa's hand and they started to the car. As much as she felt like she should be bitter that she was picking up pieces of her lover over someone else, it just felt right. Like she should be here, now, for Marissa.

The car ride to the cemetary was short and silent, everyone wrapped up in their own thoughts. They pulled into the parking lot and took one of the last spots left. Alex, carrying Kate once again, lead the way through the shiny cars. The sun was out full blast now, glinting off the expensive SUVs and numerous BMWs. Fading into Marissa's and Alex's black clothes.

The grass was unbelievably green, the trees blooming in random places and it was getting hot. Alex handed Kate to Marissa and fell behind a little. But Marissa stopped and gestured for Alex to walk with her.

"Its ok. They'll know sooner or later." Marissa said. The crying had helped. It had pushed things into perspective, into the past. They started toward Ryan's grave, together.


	10. futures

**CHAPTER TEN: futures**

It was really loud in the reception hall. That was the first thing Marissa noticed and the one thing that would stay with her as the rest of the memories- the people who gave their condolences, the piles of food pushed upon her-as they all faded, that simple fact stayed with her. It was just really loud in that huge room. Marissa remembered the laughs, most of all. The high-pitched too happy laughs, that broke into her state of shock. Her hand, constantly intertwined with Alex's, was the focus of most people's attention though.

Kate, wrapped around Alex's neck and slipping in and out of waking, earned small touches and quick glances. But this was Newport and no matter the tragedy, gossip must live on. And so the reception hall was filled with talk of Marissa's new lover, her replacement Ryan. Even after most of the crowd has left, Msrissa could still hear the condescending words echoing around her. But they faded into the background of her thoughts whenever Alex touched her, whenever the soft pressure of her skin burned into Marisss'a reality. After a while it just became reality.

The burial had been hell. It had been real and hell and Marissa could barely remember it. Everything was so fucking painfully clear in those twenty minutes-so fucking clear. The sharp edges of what had become reality cut into her, slicing her with every truth they had. With everything she didn't have. She blocked it from her momory, out of necessity more than anything else. Something that utterly painful, that life shattering, was not something that needed to be remembered with every revaltion intact. So she blurred the truths in her mind, focused on the cold, glaring sun and Alex's side pressed against her's. Focused on the sea of black and not the black rectangle that screamed for her attention. Not the tears that had fought and burned their way down her face.

And now here she was, the reception fading into a blur of whispers and sickenly good-smelling food, standing here in this hotel lobby. The lobby where she had celebrated a beginning with the man she was now mourning the end of. It had some twisted irony but she didn't care to try to decipher it. Alex stood in the doorway, Kate sleeping soundly on her shoulder like she had been for the past hour, and somehow knowing that Marissa needed this moment, watched but alone.

Two tears trailed their way down Marissa's cheeks, branding fiery paths into her skin and washing her eyes with their salt. She wasn't much of a crier-was more of the type to throw lawn furniture or drink herself into a stupor to express her pain- but Kate, and Alex, gave her some type of control. Knowing she was loved and knowing she loved as well made her think. It made her step back and consider what would hurt the ones involved in that aforementioned love. So she was just standing here, the open bar that was getting wiped down calling to her and plenty of chairs avaiable for her destruction, yet she just stood. Stood and thought and missed and loved and hell-she couldn't tell her emotions apart anymore. She just felt. She really and truly felt.

It terrified her, being left alone. Because even though she knew she wasn't, she felt as if she was. She felt alone because all of her emotions were taking over her other senses. She got the feeling that these emotions were of the bad variety more than the good and they were snaking these lies into her mind. So she got a hold on them. And then regretted it, because feeling those emotions gave her release. A cold and lonely release into a world she wasn't sure she wanted anymore, but they let her feel. And when she locked them away, she felt restrained and all she wanted was to feel again.

It was the most confusing, heart-wrenching thing she'd ever dealt with. It was a struggle she could never win because she didn't know which side was good and which side was bad. If there was even a distinction between the two. She could see the long road ahead of her, stretching on and on, but when she thought about it once more, she noticed two figures standing by her side. She knew they would be there, could count on the both of them and suddenly she felt strong again. And, just as suddenly, she discovered which desicion was the right one. Which desicion she had to make.

So she made it.

In that instant, she chose something she felt with every bit of her was right but had no proof toward her certainity. And she turned back to Alex and smiled painfully, not remembering when the tears had started or stopped. And Alex, with all her love and all her strength, held her hand out. Stretched it out, offered it, and didn't even have to strain. And Marissa took it. Interlaced their fingers and walked into the low-hanging afternoon sun, Kate with them.

And she wasn't ready. She wasn't even close to being prepared. But she made that jump anyway.

Because that's life.

IOIOIOI

If you asked her what made her stay and fight, she would have told you _love_. She would have smiled softly, that soft smile she had found after kissing Marissa, and she would have said love. She would have thought back to every touch they shared, every fire burning in her after those touches, and she would have said love. Pure, simple, overwhelming love.

But that's not it. Not really.

If you had asked her why she took Kate in, why she treated her as her own and why she sacraficed so much for that little girl, she would have said because she knew it was the right thing to do. She would have glanced over at the little girl with another soft smile, earned from another trial and task, and would have claimed _responsibility_. She would have thought of the little girl's wide blue-green eyes and the fear and uncertanity in them and would have said because she needed to.

But it's not the truth.

And if you asked why she was still here, why she was loving them every day, giving everything she had into those relationships and into the life she was constantly creating, she would have said _family_. She would have said because these were the peope she loved, the only ones, and she couldn't imagine being anywhere else but with them. She would have looked at both of them, maybe grabbed one's hand, and smiled broadly. A grin for her loves and for the love they had for her.

The truth is, she stayed out of fear. She stayed because she didn't think-no, because she knew that she couldn't survive without Marissa. She knew she needed the other girl the way she needed air and music, the way all true loves need their other half. So she stayed, because she was terrified of being loved but alone all her life, of faking emotions that she couldn't even imagine in herself, much less believably express. So she stayed, out of simple fear.

And she took in Kate because she loved her. As simple as it was, she loved the little girl the minute she met her. Whether it was Kate's blue-green eyes, identical to her mother's yet hiding a completley different personality, or maybe her tiny little fingers grasping for things she didn't understand and didn't seem likely ever to, Alex loved her. She wanted to make her safe and keep her warm and give her everything she hadn't had. She jsut did.

And as to the reason she was still here, she got it spot on. She understood it perfectly and expressed it easily and promised to stay for as long as humanly possible. Because she honestly couldn't go anywhere else.

And even if that was the only thing she got right, it was something.

And truthfully, none of that other stuff matters, as long as you get it right in the end.

IOIOIOI

_five years later_

Five years to the day, it was Ryan's...today was the day Ryan died. It didn't belong to him, more like it lost its hold on him, so Marissa wasn't quite sure what to call it. But as she stood over his grave, she knew it didn't matter. She knew all that mattered was that she was here.

Her eight year old daughter dashed around, playing with her younger sister, Ashton, in the bright green grass of the cementary. Marissa smiled softly, a real smile that she had somehow found again three years ago. One that reached her eyes and spread through her heart and meant the world to her.

A hand slid around her arm, sliding down and grabbing her hand as if the owner of that hand had every right to take Marissa's. And, of course, she did. Marissa didn't have to look to know it was Alex, but she did anyway, just to see the girl's face. The face of the girl she loved with every ounce of her. That face that was usually so strong but that Marissa had seen break, had seen bend. That only made the older girl seem stronger whenever she wore that look. That determined, subtly strong look that was currently etched across her face.

"You still miss him." Alex stated, not with jealousy, not as a question, as a tried and true fact. The fact that Ryan had been the first person Marissa had fallen in love with-however brief or shallow that love had been-was something that never, never faded away. But the fact that Alex was the one she would always love, the one she loved now, that meant even more.

So they stood there, over his grave, and remembered, just as they did every year. Just as they did for every year to come And, when she was old enough to understand it, just as Kate someday would. The same went for Ashton. Because you don't foget someone you loved.

_And you don't ever forget someone who loved you._

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-the end.


End file.
